It Has Not Been Fine

It feels very strange to be in the middle of 2021. I am not quite sure how it even happened. One minute it was March of 2020, and I was insisting that this pandemic thing had to be blown out of proportion and the next thing I know it is sixteen months later. A lot has happened in the last year, very little of which has been documented or recorded in this blog. My best friends have asked me when I was going to write. People I barely know asked me when I was going to write. My ready answer has been, “there is nothing to write about.” Which, of course, is a big fat lie. 

Last year happened. A great deal happened actually. People I love died. Langley moved into her own condo complete with renovations. Evans developed an infection in his knee that became a six-month medical ordeal. I tried, in vain, to landscape my yard. We came to Colorado for the summer and even hosted guests for a few weeks. There was plenty to write about. Not all of it was funny or awkward, but life happened. 

Before I could write again, I had to admit to myself that I did not write this past year because I am a brat. I like to say I was not my best self, but I was really so much worse than that. I had a low-grade, quiet, pity party all year. I blamed the pandemic, but it was me. I was bored. And restless. And generally unhappy. And what made it all worse is I knew, I KNOW, that my life is probably the best it has ever been.

Since I no longer work forty-plus hours a week, leading meetings, making decisions, writing on deadline, I focused my energies where they didn’t belong. I meddled in Langley’s life. I quarreled with Evans. I took my poor, elderly dog to the vet so much that we had to give our Colorado vet parting gifts when we went back to Nashville. I gained weight. I lost weight. I gained it back. 

My friend Carol told me I needed to go back to work. We were floating in her pool at the time, so I said no. But she wasn’t wrong. Another friend had a major life change and I immediately started giving her intense instructions on what she should do next. I caught myself mid-rant and realized I was not actually adding value and maybe I should hush. She knows my offer to “help” still stands, but I am guessing she has it pretty well in hand.

I had a fairly new friend say to me once that she expected I was pretty good at staying in my own lane. If she only knew what a controlling, managing, lunatic I am when I am not actively having boundaries. 

I made myself so crazy with my desire to fix other people’s lives that I thought about focusing all that (toxic) energy into writing a book. (Says the girl who hadn’t touched her blog since December of 2020.) Let me assure all my publishing friends that I shelved that idea as soon as I thought it through. You will not be receiving unsolicited proposals from me, although I am pretty sure I still know how to write one.

So, now that I have admitted I have been a pill, I am more than a little controlling, and I have way too much time on my hands, what is the plan? First the pity party is over. Years ago, when I was whining about something, Carol (the one who told me to get a job) told me to “Wallow fast. You have two minutes to be miserable then you need to get over yourself.” I am pretty sure she tapped her watch and said “Tick, Tock.” Carol don’t play.

The next step starts with writing this blog again. We are back in Crested Butte and there are concerts, street fairs, art exhibits, and wine tastings planned. I have committed to go hiking with my friend Terri (almost) any time she asks me. I am waitlisted for a Pilates class. I have things to do, friends to see, mountains to fall down. 

And, finally, while I don’t want a job, I think I will reach out to a few agents and publishing friends to see if any wannabe authors need a hand with a proposal. It is not meddling if someone asks you to tell them what to do and how to do it. I need to focus all this energy into something positive. 

So, look for my blog at least once a week and maybe more often. Crested Butte had a fantastic Fourth of July parade, and our drive out here took twenty-seven hours. I should be able to find something to write about. 

Thank you for asking me to write. I love connecting with friends, and friends I don’t yet know, through this blog. Thank you for your patience if you are reading this after more than a year. I will be finding the good and the funny, and of course the awkward regularly going forward.