The Great Glitter Deer Caper

This year the Clements are facing the same struggles as everyone else in America.  We can’t entertain or go to Christmas parties. We can’t hug our loved ones. We have lots of other things taking priority over our normal Christmas, so we even scaled back our decorating especially outside.  It did not make sense to spend an entire afternoon on a ladder to hang wreaths on a house you can’t see from the road. 

Our house is on a major road in Nashville. It is set back from the road behind trees and woods. For years I have had the idea to put light-up deer at the end of our driveway looking like they are coming out of the woods.  We have real deer all over our property and the smart ones stay away from that end of the driveway, but glowing deer would be so festive! 

Earlier this fall I saw five-foot tall, light-up glittery deer at Costco.  I should have bought them right then but didn’t.  I told Evans about them and he said to get them.  And, of course Costco was sold out.  I haunted the Costco website until they came back into stock and ordered them immediately.  Those were some popular sparkly deer, because they were sold out again in an hour.  The huge box came and sat in my front hall for over a week.

Last Sunday afternoon I took advantage of the beautiful warm day to decorate our mailbox with live greenery and magnolia leaves. (It’s a thing in Nashville.) Then I dragged the huge box of glitter deer into the car and drove it to the end of the driveway.  After pulling out the huge wrapped bundles, that looked like smallish dead bodies when they were lying by the road, I realized I could not tackle these by myself.  I drove back up to the house and convinced Evans to help me. He is recovering from Covid and is facing unexpected knee surgery, but he is a great sport so he agreed.  

The deer were packed from the factory with the heads, legs, and antlers stuffed inside the body cavities.  They looked like shiny victims of satanic animal abuse.  

When we disentangled all the body parts, the actual assembly wasn’t that bad.  It was a two-person job, and Evans is much better at that kind of thing than I am.  We found a flat area coming out of the woods and staked them into place.  I was so excited.  We both were.  It was a great idea, and it was going to look as amazing as we had hoped.

Evans went back in and I ran extension cords from the road to the house. Just so you know, the driveway is four one-hundred-foot extension cords long.  I plugged them in and went inside.  I was tired and it was almost dark.  Langley came in later and asked why the deer weren’t lit up.  It was too late to figure it out, so I waited until the next day. 

Yesterday, I checked the cords and found where they had come undone.  I re-plugged them in and admired my glittery deer as I pulled out of the driveway.  I caught a glimpse of them as I came home just after dark.  They were magical and beautiful.  It was exactly what I had envisioned.  I was so excited.  There are hundreds of cars on that road every day.  I knew drivers would love our glowing glitter deer as much as I did.

About nine o’clock, Langley came in and immediately asked, “where are the deer?” We just stared at her.  It’s not like you can miss two full-sized glowing deer when you pull into our driveway.  She insisted there were no deer.  She even went back out and walked to the end of the driveway and took a picture of where the deer should have been.

They did not last three hours.  Someone pulled over on Hillsboro Pike and stole our glitter deer.  I can only hope they threw them into a car so that that car is now and forevermore covered in glitter.  With carjackings, unexplained highway murders, and home burglaries on the rise, I should not be surprised at a deer-napping. I could only laugh at myself for being so naïve that I thought I could put glowing, glittery deer out of sight of my house and think they would stay there through the Christmas season. 

We are not going to replace them this year. My more gifted partner is down for the count until his knee is repaired.  Even if Costco still had any, I couldn’t secure them any better the next time.  I posted about it on Facebook and someone suggested I put out new “bait deer” complete with camera and GPS tracking devices.  Someone else suggested a Ring camera, which would be great, but I don’t think the signal would reach from the street to our house.  And even if we saw someone snatch them, we couldn’t get to the end of the driveway in time to stage a rescue. Also, people are crazy, most Nashvillians are armed, and they are just glittery deer.

I am choosing to believe that they are making someone else’s Christmas happy.  At least until that person goes to bed and wakes up to find their ill-gotten deer gone yet again.  The Grinch or some Bubba in a truck stole our deer, but they left us with a great story. Maybe next year we will try again with a security system, or as someone suggested a tree stand to keep watch over them.