Friends are Worth the Work

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday. We are former colleagues and have been close for thirty years. We no longer see each other every day, but we are still close and we make a point to talk and get together when we can. One of the things we talked about was how important it is to have friends and how much work that really is.

Several years ago, I found that I did not have many close friends. I had a few, including yesterday’s lunch date, but I probably could not name more than seven people to whom I was really close. My mother, June, was not a “joiner” and was perfectly happy having two or three friends. But as I looked at her life I realized I was headed in the same direction and that did not appeal to me. I might not have been especially lonely when I was forty, working full-time, with a ten-year-old demanding what little time was left, but I could see that would not always be the case.

I began to try. I made a point to talk to the other mothers at basketball games or dances, or Sunday school or wherever groups of women my age were gathered. I reconnected on purpose with some childhood friends from whom I had drifted away. I changed jobs and made friends with new colleagues.

A little over ten years ago, I was strong-armed into joining a group of women at church for a weekly “huddle.” My natural “Juneness” did not want to make a commitment to any kind of small group. Happily, my friend Cindy did not take no for an answer. Those women have become some of my dearest friends and have seen me through both really hard times and times of joy – both of which were made better by their support.

I learned that if someone asked me to do something, anything, I needed to say yes, even if I didn’t want to. Especially if I didn’t want to. The party, activity, or event did not matter, but the chance to make or see friends was vital.

For many people the years after their kids leave home, especially if they are no longer working, can be the hardest time in their lives. For me, it has been the best time. I finally have time to be the friend I couldn’t be when I worked all the time. You can’t always say yes when you are working fifty hours a week and have a deadline and a budget. I am making up for lost time.

My girlfriend from lunch yesterday is even less of a joiner than I was. She is a natural hermit. She told me she and her husband had gone to a super bowl party. If she had said they had gone to the moon I would not have been more surprised. The hosts of the party had looked around and found that with their kids grown they needed to get busy and reconnect with some friends of their own. My girlfriend realized the same thing. She said they were all very surprised to have such a good time.

I am hosting my huddle tomorrow night, which will require dusting and trying to get the cobwebs off the ceiling of the front porch in the cold, nasty rain. I have to figure out some foods for us to eat. It will probably be cheese and hummus because they don’t really care. Then next Friday, I am hosting a bunch of people for a book club. It has taken on a life of its own and is going to be massive at 9:30 in the morning. At least I will have already gotten the cobwebs off the front porch. It is two chances to get together with my friends and to make new friends. And, since my hermit friend is coming to the book club event, a chance for my friends to make new friends too.

The point is, friends are work. It is hard to go out when you really want to wear sweats and binge The Good Place. Sometimes you have to make the casserole and take it to someone’s house. Actually, that’s not true. I have one friend who brings good takeout when you are sick. It is great. But you have to notice your friend is sick and get them food somehow. You have to get dressed up and go to the party where you won’t know most of the people or clean your own house and host the party. Either way, it’s hard. But it’s worth it. It is always worth it. Friends are worth the work.